Hi everybody,

 

Here's my second blog ever and the reason i write this is because i'm truly fascinated by the culture these days. The macho culture to be specific. The beer drinking, sports loving, girl demeaning, fighting world of a man.

 

Here's my problem, i sometimes feel terribly misplaced when i go out with some of my friends, or when i am at work. Here's why, if i go out to a bar there are only a few things where men think about: Girls, Beer and fights. Ofcourse there are exceptions sometimes they talk about sports.

 

Don't get me wrong i like girls, i like beer but it feels like a mask people put up to not have be thereselves but they choose to live like te stereotype, at least that's in public. Why can't a guy just sit a bar and talk about love, love is what the world is about. It is the most desirable thing out there. But for some strange reason it's almost like a taboo. Or if you do speak about it it makes you look weak or they think you're gay.

 

For instance when i comes to movies. All the guys i know like action movies or comedies, but when i sugest a truly beautifull film, like Good Will Hunting, and i explain what it's about i get laughed at. I think movies like The Notebook are the most beautifull films out there, the capture the essence of life so great, love, romance, hapiness these are things that are portrayed in the most amazing way in this movie but a lot of men say it's gay or for women. But i am gay or a softy because i can honestly enjoy the beauty of love? And please tell what is wrong with a cliche end of a film. What's wrong with a happy ending?

 

Personally i can get really happy when is see love or feel the realness. Most people, as far as i know, tear up and cry when they listen to songs like Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah, or Ray Lamontagne's Shelter. It's makes me smile because it means that there are men and people who still dare to express there inner feelings without caring what anybody thinks. What's better than sitting on a beach at night by a fire with someone you love? Well being a man i should have answered, drinking all day and going to a football match. Well for me it isn't but does this take away my manlyhood? Everybody wants love, so should you pass up on it just to be a man?

 

Because when i think about it, even the most macho men must have a soft side. Some of them are married, no woman could stand a man who never shows a soft side, not even in the bedroom. So it comes across like some men have double personalities. For me it's different i used to try and act differently, that was all because i was insecure if my mates would like me the way i am. But after travelling the world and getting multiple options to portay my character in different ways i found out that nearly every man is alike when i comes to love. Some act tougher than others but all crave the same thing, love.

 

So maybe not everybody shows it as much as they like. For the men who read this i hope you can say fuck the rest, this is me. And if you already have, Congratulations. And i sugest you listen to: Ray Lamontagne, Damien Rice, Ali Farka Toure, Jeff Buckley, Elliot Smith, Amos Lee, Fink, Aretha Franklin, ect for a change. Just give it a try. Or watch: Good Will Hunting, Leaving Las Vegas, Pay it Forward, The Notebook, Casablanca, Notting Hill.

 

With all these things please try to be openminded and appreciate the honesty, beauty and love int it. Because that's what's life is al about in the end.

 

Simmovic

 

P.s. Please mind my spelling and grammar, i'm dutch so i do my best. And leave a comment what you thought about the blog.

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first blog ever so let's see how it turns out. I decided to share with the world my experiences of my first and only love and growing up with it. I hope you enjoy it

 

In the beginning of my adolesence i loved girls. Any girl if she was pretty. This was quite understandable because it's the first romantic and sexual contact you have, you don't know what your taste is. It's not specified yet. But when you grow older and you had a few small relationships you start to prefer certain types. With me i was still quite easy i had a lot of attention from girls and i liked them based on looks. But sometimes there was an exception i would meet a beautiful girl and she would extremely interesting too. You don't know how to act, you don't always feel comfortable but you want to be with her.

 

Then it happens, you really, truly fall in love for the first time. You are completely blown away, you just can't stop thinking about her. You want to spend every single minut with her. For me this was the case when i was about sixteen. I was in a bar(i am from holland) and i saw this girl dancing on a stage, she was unbelievibly beautifull, i couldn't stop looking at her and i knew she noticed me. We didn't talk at all that night. But i found out she was going to the same school as me. I became friends with her best friend and one night that friend was over to my place to watch a movie. And she brougt THE girl, i was shellshocked. I couldn't believe it, that girl in my house and i was going to talk to her. So i smartly positioned myself next to her and we watched the movie. This was the most uncomfortable time ever. I wanted to kiss her, talk to her, hold her, everything. But as it turned out she wasn't all that interested in me at least that's what she said. There was also a small problem because her best friend was in love with me.

 

We started having contact singlely throught chatting and sometimes a phone call. I couldn't stop thinking about her she was an angel to me. One night she came over to watch a movie, just as friends as she repeated multiple times. Because she didn't want to hurt her friend and i also was starting to give up on the fact that we would ever be together. So i looked my best and we watched a movie(a romantic one ofcourse), but during the film there was a lot of tension. I looked at her a she was watching and later i started to notice she looked at me too. At that moment i got an huge adrenaline boost cause for the first time i felt her affection but i also was so tensed cause i didn't knew if i was right. Then after about an hour i wanted to give her a kiss, just a small kiss on the cheek. So when i leaned over it happened, she turned her faced towards me and she kissed me. We didn't see anything of the movie anymore we just couldn't stop kissing, holding each other or just looking at each other. It was truly just surreal, my body had so many different feelings and emotions going at that point. It was new for me i didn't knew what this was or how big this was. My brain was just frozen it couldn't process what was going on. So after the movie i had to bring her back home, we rode our bikes hand in hand and we were truly happy at that point. Just both blown away by these feelings.

 

So the day after we had to discuss what to do, because we were both quite populair in school and there was always a lot of gossip we didn't any bad talk about us. So i asked here "are you my girlfriend"? She said smiling "i guess". This was amazing in 24 hours the girl i was crazy about was also crazy about me. So we went to school everybody was asking we just couldn't stop smiling we both stood with our own friends answering questions whilst having eyecontact during that whole period. So we started dating there was no sex or anything like that just pure affection. She was not experienced in that field at all. So we were taking everything really slow just haning out, watching movies, walking the dog and stuff like that. But in the mean time our hearts grew together both had some troubles in our childhoods and we were really closed about that except to each other. We could finally talk to somebody we trusted and who understood us. Everything was great.

 

After about nine months we had sex for the first time, we went to second and first base, but this was all the way. We were quite nervious, home alone, candles it was like it should be. Ofcourse it was a little bit akward it wasn't my first time but it certainly felt so because i really loved her. The first person i loved. It was really special the sex wasn't amazing but he feeling was, it was as if we physically grew together. After there was no stopping sex turned into making love. Hours long of just lying there, complete trust and complete hapiness. We were great!

 

But then i acted as an idiot. I sometimes was really insecure because i had opened up to her. I completely gave myself for the first time in my life. I always had problems with it, but with her i totally let go. I was scared sometimes that she didn't love me as much as i loved her. At the time i still went to a lot of parties and a lot of girls were interested in me. I always kept them on a safe distance. Then one summer i met a good friend of her, we had really nice contact. I felt the girl was interested in me but my hart was given away. During that time i started doubting more and more if my girlfriend still loved me. Then i got drunk at a party and the friend seduced my, and i cheated on my beautifull perfect girlfriend. We had sex. At the time i didn't realise what i was doing. i knew it was wrong but not what i was doing to my girlfriend. So the next day i thought of telling her but i couldn't i just couldn't. Because i knew i would lose her. For me the sex meant totally nothing but for her it was a knife in the heart. I decided not to tell her.

 

After about 5 months she found out that i cheated on her. She was cold, distant and hatefull. That second i realised the consequences of my actions i broke her hart en by that broke my own. I screwed up. And i wasn't man enough to tell her i did. That was one of the worst things for her. I wanted to talk to her but she didn't want to see me, she ignored me at school and her friends made sure i couldn't reach her. I was drowning in self pitty and pain. And was just broken by what i had done. After about two months she decided to talk to me. So we met at a bench where we would always sit and enjoy the view just talking and having fun. I was so nervious, but i was also happy i knew i was going to see her from up close again even if she hated me i could still smell her. The smell of how it was, the smell of love, the smell of safety. So we talked she wanted to know why i ofcourse produced a shit answer. And i cried for the first time, for the first time in six years or so, i cried. We both sat there crying, and telling each other how much we loved each other. We started to sit a bit closer and after about an hour we suddenly kissed. It was the best kiss ever we were back! But not for long she had difficulties trusting me and she couldn't go on like nothing happened. I had to earn her trust and there were a lot of talks. The whole time i was fighting to stay with the girl i loved. I wanted to marry her right there and then.

 

Now we were dating just over two years. She got older and went out more and got a lot of attention of other guys, because i cheated i suspected here too always. I wasn't over jealous but i thought that a lot of guys were better then me. Then when we both finished high school we broke up. She was going to go to London for a year and was going to Australia. We had to figure out how big our love was. And she also had to experience other guys for her sake of knowing how special it was what we had. So she went to London and i was still in Holland. It was really difficult i wanted to be with here but i also knew it would be a great experience for the both of us. We always thought if this is as big as we think we'll end up together anyways. So after two months just before i left to Australia she came over to Holland for a weekend it was truely magical we stayed in the bedroom the whole weekend just enjoying each other. Not letting go, it was just to hard. But we had to. So after three days she went back to London and i was of to the end of the world. Trying to forget her. Trying not to want her. Trying to survive.

 

I met a lot of girls in Australia but they were all nothing compared to her, they didn't get me. I was annoyed by there beheavior. I just couldn't hang out with them on a romantic level for more than a few days. I still listened to all the songs that reminded me of her. Hours and hours in my bed wishing i would be with her. And sometimes i would call her. She was having an amazing time, she met another guy and she was happy as she was. She told me she wasn't in love with him but that he was a decent guy. I was happy for her, but i was also blowing up. My girl with another guy doing the same things as she did with me. It wasn't about the sex but i could imagine her touching him or stroking him just like she used to do to me. I was hartbroken and on the other side of the world. So i switched my mind and partied for three months straight. I could forget her during the day but always thought of her during the night. I longed to see her eyes and smell her. I couldn't handle it. After a while i started to notice that some memories were fading. Sometimes there was a whole day i wouldn't think of her. I was starting to move on. And was happy about it. After eight months i came back to Holland and was confronted with the femiliair places we used to be together. She was still in London but she felt close.

 

After a month she finally came back i saw her immediately and we were together for two weeks. There was something diffirent, we both grew up and learned a lot. We were still in love with each other but we felt that we had to split up to grow. So we decided not to go back to each other but have a seperate life for a few years. Both still convinced that we would end up together.

 

So that's what we're doing right now we both live in Amsterdam and we see each other about once a month and we are still in love. Maybe you can only give your heart away once. Maybe it is just that special between us. Or maybe i'll fall in love tomorrow, i don't know but time will tell. Will we end up together or will we both become happy with somebody else. One thing is for sure there's no day we don't think about each other. Altough we don't see each other that often we are always together. Even now while i am lying in bed writing down our story.

 

I wish that everybody would fall in love like this. Because it's the most beautifull thing in the world. We have been through some much but everything made us stronger.

 

Let me know what you think or maybe you have experienced something similair.

 

Paul

 

p.s. My apologies for the spelling and grammar, but because i am dutch this isn't my first language.